Monday, December 27, 2010

of art purchases and getting better

my loot during CF!

and my prints are all elegantly decorating my cupboard doors <3 <3 <3
and i think you can see that i <3 kidchan a LOT. i got her autograph! /runs around flailing arms
i actually have another doujin i bought but i'm too lazy to take another picture OTL

Christmas went well. the performance in church was good, and my voice didn't betray me THAT much during worship (i sang backup) and then in the choir. what a relief 8D
the actors this year were real talented. no joke. i still have goosebumps from the screams. during practice some people even went out during that segment because it was that scary.


i guess we're product of our environment. our outlook of life is shaped by the things that happen to us, the people we've met, the things we're exposed to. the music that we happen to like.
the things that we consider beautiful. the things we cannot stand. the things that we can't live without. the people we let ourselves fall in love with. the things that pull our heartstrings.

and it's cool, that if a single event in my life was removed, erased from my past, i might not be the person i am today. makes me feel that who i am today, is no coincidence. the me i am now, has been built along the way, over the span of 18 years.

sometimes i feel like too much of a mistake. sometimes i wish i could pinpoint the part when i started going wrong so i could correct it. sometimes i wish i was a little more than useless.
but i remind myself, that i won't be who i am today, if not for the little things that had happened to me all these years. no, i am not satisfied with myself, i am not pleased with myself. but i've come to accept my flaws and i'm working on correcting all my wrongs.
so yeah, i wasn't born to be wrong all life.
i'm no mistake.

i'm on my way to getting better.
thank you to all who cheered me up, you have no idea how much your words and actions helped. some of the people who helped me the most probably didn't know i was hurting, but still. <3 thank you <3

now playing : Call Me When You're Sober - Evanescense

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

of pictures and a lack of christmas cheer

 Hermes and Rina as Miku and Kaito.
it's that time of the year again. this year, i don't feel anything. no christmas cheer or whatever people call it. i bought presents, just because i wanted to spend money.

anyways, this year's Comic Fiesta was pretty cool. the crowd was seriously huge, and it was freaking hard to move about on the first day. the crowd thinned a little the next day, phew.
will update with my CF loot soon 8D

i'm somehow not feeling well, both mentally and physically OTL. sometimes i doubt myself too much, sometimes i lose myself too fast, too soon. i haven't been drawing, most of the time when i pick up my pencil, my brain goes 'it's just not worth it'. oh well. let's hope this period of time will pass soon and i'll be able to draw freely again. a something is holding me back, who knows what that something is. maybe it is nothing, but my own stubborn self, unwilling to give in.

i think i found a new hobby. i like editting photos now lol OTL. i'm currently editting the pictures Mun2 wants and i find it fun lol. i like making everyone prettier wee.


Friday, December 17, 2010

if there is a photographer whom i had always admired, it has to be Jingna
i cannot help but be amazed at every picture she produces. her photography is dream-like, serene, tranquil and always beautiful. but i am not only a fan of her work, i am also a fan of who she is; she is strong, humble and beautiful inside out.
some pictures from her recent editorial in SingaporeBrides titled 1000 roses.

doesn't she just take your breath away? Jingna, you continue to inspire me with every photograph you take, every moment that you capture <3

Monday, December 13, 2010

of thank yous and two pictures

 an incomplete work, but i don't think i'll go any further, so...
thank you, for all the birthday wishes. =)
i wanted to draw a happy girl but.. @@
editted with (check it out at all iphone users!)

Friday, December 10, 2010

of meeting him and my birthday

this is gonna be a post that is centered on MBLAQ. if you A) don't like them or B) cannot stand my fangirl side, please skip the post till the picture of me ;D 
see? i'm making your life easier. 
if you can't read Korean; it says MBLAQ on the top (em-beul-raek) and from left to right, G.O, Seungho, Joon, Mir, and Cheondung. =)
last weekend, i was over at singapore to catch a concert, Mnet Ultimate Live in Asia - Singapore, to be exact. i normally steer away from huge crowds and concerts but i absolutely had to go for this one.. because MBLAQ was in the lineup! <3
though i totally am displeased that they were the opening act =(
anyways, i went over across the border with my family and mun2 since she loves me too much 8D
a few days before the concert, the organisers announced that MBLAQ and some of the others were gonna hold fanmeets @@
i just HAD to be there for the MBLAQ one. a chance to see my Seungho upclose? (I hi-5ed him, Joon and Thunder and shook hands with G.O and Mir's fingers were over mine btw 8DDD)
i wouldn't miss such a chance @@ not when it was totally in my grasp.. and i was fortunate enough to check that page and catch that announcement just 1 minute after it was posted. first come first serve basis, you see.
my MULA ticket was sponsored by my sweetheart baby, my fanmeet album was sponsored by my mom. so basically the trip was almost.. free for me 8D
the fanmeet was surreal. when the guys entered. and then when they stood on the stage. it's hard to believe, but they are better looking in real life. like seriously. and i thought that the fanaccounts from Thailand were exaggerating.
their outfits were so much <3
credit :
Mir, G.O, Seungho <3, Joon, Thunder
credit :
 i love you, stylist, don't ever change, i totally adore your use of white on black. <3 i like how the styles complement their personalities and body shapes. The metal studs and two-toned collar downplays Mir's cute chubby face, the white simple shirt with black buttons was perfect for suave G.O, Seungho's neck is accentuated with that collar, the white scarf frames and highlights Joon's face, and the usage of details like the tie and the white breast pocket on Thunder helped to fill up the empty spaces since he's tall and has broad shoulders.
too bad i didn't catch a glimpse of bear-manager, i wanted so much to meet him, i don't even know why OTL i don't think he came to SG with the guys :( (EDIT = oh i just checked the pictures Mun2 took during the fanmeet. he was right there behind Mir, if i'm not mistaken.) 
 due to shortage of time, they were made to sign on the front page ;A;
Cheondung's pen had no more ink lol.. the other A+ were also laughing about it <3
thanks to the only-thinking-about-profit organisers, i had to buy another version of their album. i already have the Malaysian version of Just BLAQ, the Korean versions of Just BLAQ and Y and now i have the "Asian Special Edition" OTL. which costs freaking $60. oh well, i didn't pay for it 8D

the concert was awesome blossom, MBLAQ went first, followed by Miss A, 2AM, Beast and ended with 2PM. everyone performed so well <3
credit : 
 credit :
i got to see Joon's ballet performance LIVE. the guy's too talented. it was superbbbbb! but the annoying Beast fans to my left kinda snickered which made me kinda pissed. but oh well, haters gonna hate. Joon performed barefooted or so it seemed. we were pretty far from the stage so i'm not real sure. maybe he left the black ballet shoes that he wore during the concert in Taiwan back in Korea lol. everyone else was perfect, as expected. Mun2 and I generally do not like Beast; she likes 2NE1, Big Bang, 2AM, 2PM and Miss A and i converted her into a MBLAQ fan during the trip and i like MBLAQ, Epik High, Drunken Tiger, and IU. so when it was Beast's turn to perform, we didn't cheer much, just clapped to be polite (or at least i did). the crowd started pushing madly and that made the experience sour. such rude fans =( i really want to try to like the group that MBLAQ is close with but their fans ain't helping lol. 2AM and 2PM were awesome. undoubtedly. so was Miss A. they really had stage presence. 2PM utilised the stage perfectly wee! my favourite part during 2PM's slot was when they started putting on angel wings. DAMN CUTE LOL.
to end that Korean filled night, Mun2 and i had some instant Korean ramen for supper OTL. so perfect 8D
they stamped on us for the fanmeet lol. 
of course, i did some shopping and such.. which i had to use my own money ;A; i missed Kaiser so much that when i went into MANGO and saw this sweater with a german shepherd cross-stitched on it, i absolutely had to buy it (though i was pretty sure the price would have been cheaper back in Msia) and just HAD TO wear it the next day ;A; 
on my birthday eve, after walking around, laughing our asses off at Crazy Christmas 2010 and a pretty late dinner, we finally settled back in our hotel room..
my parents had bought me two bottles of coke while i was out during the concert and i was aching for coke, but i like them chilled, so i opened the cupboard that contained the fridge. Mun2 looked up from the laptop, and shouted, "DON'T OPEN! THERE'S A COCKROACH INSIDE!!" with all her might and i slammed the cupboard shut. i was damn terrified, alot of people can testify to my cockroach phobia.. she picked the right thing to say lol. i was pretty damn pissed, there was a tiny hole in the curtain and then now there was a cockroach in the fridge? i was gonna call reception to complain.. luckily, i was still in a nice little mood so i just pushed it aside and made a mental note to put the coke in my parent's room later. (which i totally forgot about and ended up drinking it like that for breakfast the next day lol)
slightly after midnight, i was curled up in bed reading Freakonomics when Mun2 crouched down in front of the fridge and pulled out the "cockroach". the damn thing i was supposedly afraid of was a pretty white strawberry shortcake lol. it even had an imaginary flame to go with it.
thanks baby <3 I love you lots lots lots lots too <3
later we went back to KL for my birthday dinner at Michelangelo's at Pavillion since i wanted Italian lol. in the car, my parents realized how bizarre the day's meals would be, we had breakfast in Singapore, lunch in Johor, dinner in KL, and supper in Kajang lol. i can't express how much i adore Italian food OTL even now, just thinking of it makes my mouth water @@

ah so, this wraps up our short little trip. thank you, parents and Mun2 baby for this huge birthday present <3
and i'm sorry, bin hao, for forgetting to inform you about going down @@ it totally slipped my minddd =(

art-wise, i have been unproductive, i've been giving myself a pretty hard time with such frustrating emotions lol. i really don't like it when my parents discuss my future with others, leaving me out of the conversation but within hearing range and i can hear bits and pieces of their conversation. alot of this happened in SG, when my parents conversed with their friends there because now my mom thinks that i should go to NUS. but fret not, i am okay, i am fine. i'm drawing my 'thank you for the birthday wishes' drawing right now, so i should be alright =).

okay, this has been an unusually long post for me.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

ah i'm not dead yet! i'm very much alive.

and this song is playing like mad in my head.
please love the MV <3

Sunday, November 21, 2010

of controversies and forgetfulness

now playing : Butterfly Effect - Epik High

damn i love this song. /puts it on repeat
while on the subject of Epik High, Tablo's Stanford controversy is almost at an end. FINALLY MUCH? HURRAH!
throughout the whole ordeal shit crap whatever you want to name it, all i had to say to the people against Tablo was 'Don't you have anything better to do?'. while i applaud them for questioning and doubting, i can only facepalm when they still cannot accept the fact that Tablo did graduate from there although numerous evidence had been proven. some people can't give shit a rest.
prove shit to them and they doubt shit is shit.

which goes to show that we only believe what we want to believe, to an extent. an extension of the bias theory.

ah great, i forgot what i wanted to say. oh well..
i really had something to say...
ah, i can't remember.

nights world,

Friday, November 19, 2010

of frustrations and hope

a sketch dated 12 November 2010. and yes, it is from my journal that i regularly write and draw in.
don't pretend to be amazed that i keep one.
writing keeps me sane, drawing keeps me alive.

i'm not drawing well nowadays, let's be hoping i'll feel better and be more productive, yes?

currently reading : Birthday Stories - selected and introduced by Haruki Murakami
now playing : Iridescent - Linkin Park (the song that plays in my head when i need hope lol)

Monday, November 15, 2010

of stories and poorly executed shots

try to think about it, if all the world ceased to tell their stories, would the world come to a standstill?
living life by itself is somehow a telling of a story. our own story that we're forging, that we're still shaping as we live.
each of us has a story to tell. some mediocre, some terribly upsetting, some exciting and full of life. but each of our stories, are truly ours. a story that no one else can tell. we are product of the circumstances that happen to us, we are the accumulation of our past. we are at the same time; narrator, director, and main actor/actress.
what is my story as of today? how far has my story to go? have i passed the climax, or am i still telling the beginning? 

poorly executed shots i would like to attempt a reshot one day in the future. still from my beijing folder. it never ends OTL

now playing :
another G.O and Nassun collaboration! <3

going back to drawing,

Friday, November 12, 2010

of slow decisions and a hurting ankle

not really sure where i'm going with this.. let's just go with the flow, yes?
hmmm, should he be falling downwards, or bending downwards? ahhh... decisions decisions.
i think i might have thickened his hair too much.. hmm..

i hurt my leg yesterday again, same ankle aish. it doesn't hurt that much, but it's like red and white and black and blue. LOL. now i can have both sides of my ankle swollen! yay! hurray for me!

now playing : Disappear - Royal Pirates

Thursday, November 11, 2010

yesterday, i dreamt.
it seemed so real, i believed it was real. when he said those words, that he believed in me, i felt the satisfaction, the joy, the pleasure. it was so real.
when i woke, slowly, very slowly, it dawned upon me that it was just a dream.
nothing more.
and it hurts so much, to know that he still does not believe. he still does not accept.
to think that he probably will never. to think i'll have to tiptoe around him, avoiding the issues that he will not understand.
it hurts.
i take back my words. give me back my nightmares. i don't want to dream such sad dreams anymore.

Monday, November 08, 2010

of fitting a sphere and tightrope walking

breathing the same poisonous gas.
mouthing the same hurting words.

like someone pushing a sphere where a cube should be at.
some things don't fit. sure, with horrendous amounts of pressure applied, the sphere will fit, but it just won't be right.
its flaws become more pronounced. there will be holes to fill, at some places there will be too much to handle.

the image is horrible, it is just wrong, to assume a sphere as a cube.
you see, a sphere is not a cube. and a cube is not a sphere.

most of the time, illusions prove to be more beautiful than the truth.
the truth hurts. i have just begun to see the reality behind this.

ah my finals results will be given out this week. i've gotten chemistry, pa and maths.
i think i should dig a hole somewhere and bury myself alive. not like i actually studied for the exam or actually care about the results or scored terribly in them, but it's just that i don't want to sit for anymore papers that i have no interest in. OTL
during the exam, the only driving force was the uneasy feeling that i had not tried my hardest. that said, it was not enough to push me to study as i would normally do, i guess it was half of what measly amount of work i would put in. oh well.

someone i look up to said that i (generally the whole world actually) should stop thinking about the reasons behind the events that happen to me. to stop asking the 5W1H. to stop questioning the logic behind the illogical things that happen.
to just let the events flow as they come. he said that things happen for a reason. as to what reasons that drive them to occur, they are not for me to know. not for us to know. one day, we might find the answers that we have seeked for since the beginning, but until that time comes, we don't have to labour ourselves trying to find that truth.
i agree, up to a point. i think that we ought to question the reality behind the things that happen, the reasons behind the illogical. not to anguish ourselves on the subject, but to dwell on the matter long enough to feel it shaping. not all answers are immediate, not all answers take forever. i think as life throws us situations to deal with, we ought to (at least i should) try to grasp the situation, allow ourselves to become attached, to allow our emotions to lead us, before letting go, and 'surrendering', abandoning the pursuit of the truth. and not to think of the subject anymore. push the matter to the deepest recesses of our minds, to cut all the strings attached to it. and just wait for the time when the truth will be made known to us.

like penguins on a tightrope, like butterflies on a jagged saw
your empty promises sit on the tip of your tongue

i like tuesdays, wednesdays and thursdays! 8D goodbye monday, i'll be having my weekly dose of favourite days starting tomorrow <3

currently reading : Haruki Murakami and the Music of Words - Jay Rubin
currently listening to : Last Luv - MBLAQ

Monday, October 25, 2010

Of reasons and a random pointless rant

If elephants came in yellow, what would you do with your paint?
Things are as they are for a reason. 

As crows are black as the night and hummingbirds as tiny as they are,
Things have their purposes. 

Life isn't like a box of chocolates. If it was, you'd get to choose which chocolate piece you would like to taste first. You can't save the best for the last or keep the ones you don't like aside first. You have to take the things life throws at you when it comes. And when it comes, it really does, doesn't it lol? 
/end random pointless rant 


Saturday, October 23, 2010

Waiting for the end

the MV and the Making of.
LP sparkles better than Edward Cullen.

on a random note, i'm sick and exams are next week. tough luck.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

of happy birthdays and bookmarks

because i love this guy a little too much.
Happy Birthday, Yang Seungho.
(if you don't know, he is MBLAQ's leader~)
there's so much to adore in this guy; his piano playing skills, his voice, his lips ASDFGHJJKLLPOI, his stare, him abusing the maknae, him failing at aegyo, him bringing dark clouds all around, his neck, his dancing ;A; (gymnastics and bboy-ing?!?!), his honesty, his absolute no sense of fashion, his ever-present cap, his bright smile.

i srsly think that i have a thing for guys who play the piano. @@

and yes, i made a bookmark for myself (and for the rest of the A+ community :D). it's one of my favourite shirt on him, he wore the outfit to a radio show. (i'm sounding real stan-ish right now, i know) he srsly wore that same shirt to several radio shows for a few weeks like as if he didn't have any more clothes. this guy, he gets a shirt he likes, wears it constantly for a few weeks, and then it's gone. 

well, at least the main goal of me getting into kpop is on the way to getting fulfilled. :D
i draw guys better now, right? weee! i knew it would help >D and and people tell me that they love the shading on it. for a person who fails at shadows and light sources, this means the world.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

of finishing happy and wet kisses

people complain that i don't take enough pictures of human beings. lol.
more pictures from the beijing trip. i think i took a gazillion pictures of trees. OTL

anyways, i'm done with the fanart i was working on. i spent so much time and energy on it, lovingly added every stroke, every line, that i'm glad i'm finally finished. honestly, i'm feeling so exhausted, like all my energy has been zapped out. but it's a happy exhausted, and it's worth every second of labour. yayyy, i have a new bookmarkkkk! (but first i hv so scan it, fix it, print it, and then laminate it)
this is the first time i spent so much time on a single drawing. i am amazed.  :D
/runs around flailing

i bathed my doggies today and earned many sloppy wet kisses in return. Kaiser is getting so big but he still keeps on pushing me down to sit in my lap. he also enjoys biting Mango, treating him as a living toy.
my ankle still hurts a little ;A;

currently reading : Norwegian Wood - Haruki Murakami
currently listening to : Running and Running - MBLAQ (Fugitive OST) (it has been on repeat for the whole day XD)

Monday, October 11, 2010

of a forgotten picture and bleeding lips

you are like a star
blazing so brightly
burning so fast that i cannot keep up
your brilliant smiles and your bright eyes
i wish they were mine, and mine alone.

and i know, they will never be mine
and that thought consumes me, swallows me

and i'm left standing at the back of the room
for you

found this picture in my folder, i took the picture somewhere last year and editted it this year, i clearly remember that. but normally what i have editted i would post on this blog, but i couldn't find it? oh wells.. @@
eihk, i just bit the inside of my lip. it's bleeding mad nowwww. damn, i feel like such a vampire.


Sunday, October 10, 2010

i hate it when people intentionally try to get closer with me.
with whatever agendas in their mind, i don't freaking care.
so i'm sorry if you think i'm avoiding you. (am i?)
you should know your boundaries.
i don't like it when you try to pry into my personal matters. i don't like it when you call yourself a close friend of mine. you don't know me enough, and i don't know you either.
so back off. all of you.

Saturday, October 09, 2010

of bad photography and willingness

 old pictures that showcase my fail photography skills but somehow i like these pictures.

she takes off her clothes, he puts on his coat.
she turns and calls his name, he puts on his socks.
he slips on his watch by the mirror, looks at her pleading eyes.
and walks out the door.



Thursday, October 07, 2010

of random pictures and frustrations

sometimes i fail too much as a human. =/
if you won't help me at all, just get the hell out of my life when all you do is pull me down.


and so

when you close your eyes,
what do you see behind your lids?
you probably see the same flashes of light in that darkness.
are more similiar than you think.
your fears are also my fears,
your dreams are my dreams too.

this almost invisible thread that links us together.
sometimes seen, sometimes not.
sometimes i feel it tugging, when we drift too far apart.
do you feel it too?

my leg hurts. i sprained my ankle a few days back and it still hurts. TAT
thank God that i have like holidays right now so i don't have to walk around much. just stay at home resting my idiotic ankle lol. how did i hurt it? i was playing with my dogs and when i jumped, i landed wrongly. my foot twisted beneath me. and then i was half laughing and half crying because of the idiocy lol. Kaiser came and pushed his face into mine and tried to bite my rubberband off. what an understanding dog. =/ my sisters laughed at me while i sat on the ground holding my ankle, crying. OTL
i have no respect from my sisters. OTL

the girl with elephants in her ears,

Saturday, September 25, 2010

of restorations and choices

as i chase after flying fishes
as i sift through billions and billions grains of sand
even though my efforts seem futile
like watering a plastic tree
but rest assure
this is what is necesssary

a must, a prerequisite

yours, and yours alone
mine, and mine alone

here, right now.
this moment.
i choose.

and i choose life
i choose happiness

i finally got back into shape =)
wee, *goes back to drawing
drew the face and realised that it looked like my 양승호. <3
this is gonna turn out to be another fanart weeeeee. i am a sucker for thick lips and long necks.

infinitely yours,

Thursday, September 16, 2010

recent album purchases

Linkin Park's A Thousand Suns
*i died and went to LP heaven TQVM*
my recommended tracks: Burning In The Skies, When They Come For Me, Waiting For The End

Taeyang's Solar
My recommended tracks : Superstar, Just A Feeling, Take It Slow

i have so much homework to do weih. urgh. i hate homework. off i go, date my pakej latihan masa cuti edisi raya while jamming to a thousand suns.
someone do my homework for meeeee... i want to draw OTL

Monday, September 13, 2010

you asked.

holidays call for a book reading marathon of one of my favourite authors, Haruki Murakami. <3


Thursday, September 09, 2010

of capes with roses and more honest feelings

guess who.

my time of detachment has come. i'm sorry, the people i have hurt in the past, the people i'm hurting now, and the ones i will hurt in the future. i'm like this, you have to understand.
i am like the sea, with its low and high tides.
i am like a magnet, attracting and repelling.
i am like your arms, a haven and a prison.
i am like fried ice-cream, hot and cold.
i am like the wind, there but never there.
i am just like this, you have to understand.

i'm sorry i didn't quite turn out the way you had planned. i'm really sorry. i wish i knew the exact moment that i started to go wrong. i wish i could change who i have become.
but i won't. because although you hate the me i have become, i love her.


Tuesday, September 07, 2010

of pictures of plants and honest thoughts

because some nights are warm
and some nights are cold

i know everything about myself; what ticks me off, what makes me scream with joy, what i love, what i hate, the things that i can do, the things i won't do. but sometimes, moments like these come and i pause and think that i no longer know me. in fact, i might never have known myself. i'm a total contradiction, i take back the words i said to you. though i meant them when i said them to you, i do not any longer. because you see, people change, and yet they stay the same.

pshh, i'm off to draw.

Saturday, September 04, 2010

of thoughts and collaborations

currently reading : Kafka on the shore - Haruki Murakami
now playing : Beautiful - Eminem

note to myself :
when nothing makes sense to you, just don't sit there and wallow in self-pity.
pick up your pencil, you fool.
pick it up.

you know it will help.

/end :note to myself
on a lighter note, this is a cover done by one of my schoolmates. he has an awweeessooommeeee voice and guess what? he used my drawings in this video @@
/is totally happy. so please enjoy it as much as i did. =)


Friday, August 27, 2010

of old and new drawings

added two koigoldfishes, just because.
fixed the face, much more pleased with her expression.. i have no idea about wht she's gonna wear.. unfinished crap. i am itching to add like 129837193817 koigoldfishes, but something is telling me to learn how to draw other animals. i'm thinking elephants or crows.
when i'm stuck, i draw clothes. it's great to get my gears set. please ignore the ugly shit at the furthest right. i don't even...
if i still don't get anything, i start doing other things. like for this instance, i started cutting circles with a circle cutter lol.. and then drew on it.
and then when some certain individuals come and screw my feelings up, i released my anger by making my pencils blunt lol.

yeah. i washed two cars in the dead of the night yesterday. how fun.
kaiser is a super helpful dog, he helps my mom take out the clothes from the washing machine and dryer. 'good' doggy =D

i don't draw as well as i used to draw. =/
oh well....